what you dont know
by aeyta
Summary: tomoyo is one bitter, bitter, bitter little girl. but we dont know. (this was written a year ago, a prelude to a er... series taht was never er... written. was written July 27, 2000. its bad and crappy but whatever.)


What You Don't Know   
Written by Tomoyo   
Note: i dunno  
  
debut   
  
Sakura.   
  
You could say she was my first love, I guess. Not really, I'm only fourteen and I don't really know what love is. I guess. I really liked her, I still like her. But it's not the same. Before, I worshipped her. I thought I was in love, I wasn't. I was lonely, very very lonely--I still am.   
  
Even if I did love her, it wouldn't have made a difference. Because, she didn't love me. She did, but not in the same way. Not that it really mattered anyway.   
  
I see them walking together everyday, it's not me and her anymore. More him and her. Not that it really matters anyway. Not that it ever did--I think.   
  
At first, no...my whole life, I said that if the one I love is happy, I'm happy. Right? If the one I love is happy, than I am as happy as they are and it doesn't hurt at all. Right? Bullshit.   
  
Sure. I'm happy. Real happy. No, really, I'm happy, I guess. (I'm bullshitting right now, again) But it still hurts. --a lot. It hurts too much. Because whenever I see them together, I feel this pain, worse than anything.   
  
And I can't do anything about it. I can't cry, crying doesn't help. I've learned that lesson already. Oh, I've learned it oh so well. I've already cried out all my tears so even if I really wanted to cry it wouldn't work. I think.   
  
When I look into your rich brown eyes, I get lost. When I see you kiss her, I flinch inside. And the pain comes to me. And my eyes water behind the video camera. But you don't know. You can't ever know. It's not allowed. It's forbidden.   
  
I roll those words off my tongue, and I think bitterly. I think bitterly about what you don't know. What you don't know. What I know. What you think you know.   
  
But then again, what do I know? I can't read people's minds so there is also something that I don't know. What I know they don't know, and what they think they know I know.   
It's confusing I guess.   
  
It still hurts.  
  
I smile at you, because you make me happy. Because you're happy. I think.   
  
Sometimes, I think something very forbidden. I want to grab your shoulders and kiss you on your lips. Then that would be my first kiss and what you don't know you will know. And I will treasure that moment in my heart.   
  
But you don't know. Because it's forbidden. Forbidden. Forbidden. Oh dear, I'm talking to myself again. I bet you didn't know that either.   
  
The reason you don't know what you don't know is because you love her. Her. I could understand how she worked her spell on you. It worked on me before...I think.   
  
I don't know anymore. Not really. I think.   
  
I don't know anything anymore. Not really. I think.   
  
I don't know anything anymore. Not really. Not ever.   
  
But I do know this. As far as a fourteen-year old's girl love can go, I love you.   
  
I do know that, oh so well. Too well. And if I ever lose control and kiss you, what you don't know you will know.   
  
And maybe both of us don't know anything. But both of us do know one thing. We both love.--to a certain extent.   
  
You love her, and I love you. It's all a triangle. A big messy triangle with more than three sides. But then it wouldn't really be a triangle anymore, would it.   
  
You're leaving today. Or was it tomorrow? I don't know anymore. And even though you're leaving, what you don't know you still won't know.   
  
Because I won't tell you.   
  
Not now, not ever.   
  
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you  
  
And you won't ever find out. You won't ever know. Because it's forbidden. I'm staring at your eyes one last time, and I'm lost again.   
  
See, you're leaving. But I shall go now since she's here. And you both need your time...together.   
  
What you don't know you will never know because it is forbidden. I know that much, and I know that much well. Oh so well.   
  
fin   
  
NOTE: this was actually written a year ago, its old and bad but i found it in my mailbox and thought id put it up anyway.  



End file.
